MARCH 24, 1995

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 25

BIG TIPS

What is this butch-femme stuff, and isn't it sexist?

by M.T “the Big Tipper" Martone

The Big Tipper is back with advice on anything and everything, for all of our voyeuristic enjoyment. But first: I hear that some have suggested that the title of this column is a play on words. Of course notwould I do that?

Dear Ms. Martone:

I am so glad to see a queer advice column in the Chronicle! I have a pondering for you. It seems to me that dykes here in Ohio are far more butch/femme identified than lesbians I know from elsewhere. I have been labeled "femme" more often and more strictly here than ever in my urban dyke experience in Boston or D.C. Seems like gals here feel a need to pick one or the other. What's the deal? Plus, I find myself and other femmes I know vying to see who is more butch. We revere our butch counterparts—idolizing their broad shoulders, their strong jaws, their power tools, and discounting our own sweet, soft femininity. I call this internalized sexism. Are my fears true? What's your take?

Irrevocably Femme

Dear Irretrievably Iridescent Femme,

Ahem, ahem. (Excuse me... I have a little phemme in my throat.) Idolizing a butch doesn't preclude loving your femme self— and frankly, it sounds like you already thoroughly identify as femme, so knock it off with the coy objections. The sweet thing about the post-Stonewall butch/femme redux is that we can choose whether or not to identify with a role, and the roles themselves are as flexible as we choose to make them. When most of us realize we're homophiles, and are coming out, it behooves us to look like queers, so we can find each other. Techniques have changed over time. Many years ago, it might have involved wearing a pinkie ring, or asking someone for the time and making a great deal of significant eye contact. In my case, ten years ago, this involved an unfortunate haircut, wearing a lot of black and purple, and making a great deal of significant eye contact. Frequently, it involves temporary or permanent rejection of traditional gal-lish clothing and behavior, so that being more "boyish" or butch, equals being a more legitimate lesbian.

This may be where the internalized sexism comes in: when a woman feels that to be queer, she must trade in her "femininity." The lush sensuality of womanhood is confused with the forced standards of femininity. Hopefully, as the drama of coming out segues into a more integrated life, we jettison the idea that anyone might have more or less legitimate queer-dentials.

P.S. Femmes can rock with power tools.

Dear Ms. Martone:

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 6 months ago, but for economic reasons, we still live together. We get along pretty well, but problems are starting to come up because he's started dating again, and it's really hard on me when he brings a guy home. I'm not still in love with him, but it's hard to hear them having sex. I don't want to ruin our friendship. What should I do?

Can't Take Him Getting It

P.S. It's a one bedroom apartment-so we still share a bed.

Dear Sleeping on the Couch:

It's nice to know, that in a time of blurring sexual lines, roles and identities, there are still some good old-fashioned queer traditions being kept alive. “Anguished Live-In Ex Nastiness" (ALIEN) is a classic, and even more painful in its early stages than "Living With the One Who Said No."

Number one with a bullet: get your own

bed.

Although this was the last thing you mentioned, it seems like the first thing to address. If you don't have much space, get a futon that you can couchify during the day. If money is an obstacle, you can get thick foam mattresses pretty cheaply. Carve out some personal turf!

If maintaining your friendship with your ex is a priority, it's time for a little chit-chat. This is one of those situations when aural sex sucks, and not in a good way. If your both committed to remaining ex-lovers, that'll probably mean one or both of you will be dating other people more than when you were together, and the two of you probably want to hash out who can handle what, when and where.

If you can't take the moaning or the notso-distant click of handcuffs, maybe he can take it to the date's apartment. You might negotiate Date Nights or Date-Free Nights, so you can make strategic plans to be at the movies. Don't forget to make 'friend time' to spend with him. If you know you have that, it might be easier to deal with his current lustful dalliances.

In closing, I offer a note on etiquette: If you're fucking anyone else in your lover's, ex-lover's, roommate's, or mother's bed, change the damned sheets before the primary occupant needs to sleep there again.

Send queer-ies to Ms. Martone, c/o Gay People's Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or e-mail chronohio@aol.com (on America Online, ChronOhio).

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